A wee bit of theology.

Well, conversation delayed the baking, so the brownies are a cooling and awaiting the application of the chocolate butter icing and I've some time to spare and write a wee bit.

I've been watching the latest instalment of the stately gavotte of realignment within the Anglican Communion with an almost detached interest. The American Episcopalians are gathering very near Disneyland (guys, didn't you ever learn about location, location, location?) to debate the possibility of moving away from the Moratorium of the ordination of LGBT folks and of generally authorising the blessing of same sex relationships. Meanwhile the GAFCONites in England shire have had a launch event with much noise from the retiring (though not shy and retiring) Bishop of Rochester and a rather OTT declaration from by old Bishop (Fulham) that Satan is alive and well and living in Church House Westminster. A decade ago I might have agreed with him: now it just seems such a silly thing to say. This argy bargy is not about the devil having entered into the Church, although that is the way it is looked at in parts of Africa and Asia: it is about a profound theological disagreement over the way we look at the mission of God's people in the world today. Sounds to me rather as if Bishop Broadhurst is certainly doing the Office of Readings daily and steeping himself in the mindset of the Church Fathers, but is failing to read the fulminations of Athanasius and Co with any sense of historical criticism or contextualisation and is simply impersonating a Bishop of the 4th century CE.

No, this is not God's light vs Satan's darkness, but the painful clash when two goods collide and seem to be in opposition. The Call to Faithfulness and the Faith once delivered to the Saints as it has been understood meets an emerging understanding of that faith being generous and welcoming to all. The vital point of the great Christological arguments was about understanding the Incarnation as an opening of the gates of grace and glory to all of God's people. If Christ was not both fully and truly human and fully and truly divine, then the Gospel and the Kingdom was not for all: that is why the Orthodox strove against the Arians et al - to keep the gates open. Surely they made huge errors in applying and realising that vision over the centuries: the treatment of women and of Jews to name but 2 examples. But their fundamental understanding of the Universal nature of the Salvation promised by God in the Incarnation of Jesus Christ, the Son of God and Son of Mary was correct and essential.

GAFCON remind me of the rather conservative Christians of North Africa with whom Cyprian of Carthage struggled. Their concern was to hold fast to the faith and not to give those who had apostatised an easy ticket back in. Their problem was that they came perilously close to saying there was no way back for apostates at all for Apostasy was that Sin against the Holy Spirit which Jesus called unforgivable. Cyprian certainly didn't offer an easy road back (serious penance lasting years was his solution)but he recognised that grace had to be held out to the Apostate at all costs. Hence the great split in Cyprians time. History tells us that the Conservatives were swept away by the rise of Islam in the 7th century and Cyprian's vision as preserved in the teaching of the Church as a whole came to triumph. In the long run I rather think that is what will happen to Archbishop Akinola and his pals: the tide of history will somehow sweep them aside and the generous Gospel will prevail eventually.

Not always traumatised

Not every session of therapy is a trauma. It is possible to have a good one and come out feeling some movement has been achieved. Trying to grow up in your 40's is no less likely to be angsty and traumatic than doing it in your teens. Perhaps the note of inspiration I got this week-end was a piece of graffiti from a friend in the US of A: "If you pray for a Porsche and God sends you a tricycle - ride it!" The result may not be what you wanted or imagined, but it is still a mode of transport to take you forward if only you will use it.

Actually, I have recently discovered some unexpected life skills: I rather enjoy baking. So tonight's little bit of therapy is baking a birthday cake. The results will hopefully be edible! If chocolatey!!

Just to prove that it isn't all darkness.

Yes, there are good bits in the days and weeks too. Visits from friends who brought an unexpected nun to town - I'd have been happy with Lucozade and a bunch of grapes, really - who had a far better eye for the talent wandering down the Royal Mile than the other 4 of us combined!! Really, that nunnery's changed since Mother Theresa stood down. Joining the Pisky group on the Pride march and steering them away from the Scottish Conservative group with the banner. Dammit, being mistaken for a Tory would mean I could never show my face in Cowdenbeath again! So we went and stood next to the men in frocks - no, not the clergy, the drag merchants! A very uproarious lunch with a friend who's been feeling rocky - although the very idea of sitting in a pub eating Eggs Brady (Eggs Benedict, but the bacon is replaced with smoked salmon MMM!) and drinking Earl Grey at lunchtime would have seemed utterly preposterous not so very long ago. Nobody drinks tea in the pub where I come from!! And tonight a gourmet kebab.

Yup, you read that right. It's not the loopiness within linking the unlikely words "gourmet" and "kebab" - I've found a gourmet kebab shop. None of yer doner mince in this joint. Beef, haggis and Stilton on a stick. Duck and plum, venison, king prawns. I plumped for the Halloumi cheese and Portobello mushroom kebab. Served with shredded salad stuff on a big bit of what was rather like Nan bread. Delish! And the dessert kebabs are rather good too. I never knew you could kebab strawberries!! Could have done with more Nutella though. :-) Mind you, I hae ma doots aboot Nutella as a gourmet option?!

So there is light and some laughter and hope. As long as you have a pulse there's always that.

"I thought therapy is meant to make you feel better?"

And as we all know, the answer to that one is: "Yes it does - eventually." But in the midst of it all, "eventually" looks to be a very long way away. As the layers of self deception are peeled back and you look at the mess beneath, it looks horribly like nothing is visible, save your own long concealed dysfunction. That doesn't feel terribly great. Actually it feels beastly, horrible and very crappy indeed. And part of you wonders: "Is it worth all this? Wasn't it more bearable with all the unhealthy props and anaesthetics you used until recently?" And I suppose it was. BUT that numbed, zonked out life wasn't real and this is. That's cold comfort when you feel sick and low. Two little things helped: one is passing a taxi with an advert from the Depression Alliance and seeing the slogan "Looking Good, Feeling Crap" and remembering that there are a lot of others who know that experience only too well. You are not alone. And the second? The guy sitting head down in the door way with a can of Carlsberg Special. Know how you feel, pal and I could be you. But I'm not going there. No way. I am more precious even to me than that. So we'll keep walking on, through the wind and the rain (and it was lashing down). And we'll never walk alone. Amazing how potent cheap music really is!

Into the breach.

I finally screwed up my courage to the sticking point and dragged myself along to the drop in centre for those who have or might have Asperger's Syndrome. It's very scary when you are faced with the possibility of discovering something about yourself that could potentially define the rest of your life (for good as well as bad): you procrastinate terrifyingly. It's as if the possible freedom and liberation of knowing it's not you being weird or mad but it's genuinely just the way you neurobiologically are is overshadowed by the possible stigma that comes with a diagnosis. If I do have this condition will people look at me differently or relate to me differently? What will my friends/family think? We're back in the realms of coming out to yourself territory then to others. And do I have the emotional energy to go through all this sort of stuff again? At least at this mature stage of my life I know I can go through this process and emerge at the other end alive, if changed. Doesn't make it one whit easier.

I really was up to high d'oh beforehand: I nearly bought some baccy (undo a week off the weed)but realised it wasn't a nicotine fix that I needed (had that) but something to do with my hands to relieve stress. I wouldn't say I exactly prayed the Rosary I borrowed en route, but jiggling the beads seemed to help. The worker was very helpful and said "Needs looking into: talk to your GP". So must get in contact and start the ball rolling And I've said this for the last 2 months! The difference is he pointed out that if I have AS, it might affect the way my psychoanalysis is done, so now I have a practical incentive to make the move and that always helps. Strangely I am less paralysed by my emotional turmoil now that I think there might be a factual explanation for it. It always was the sense that because I felt the way others didn't in a given situation I was odd and freaky that paralysed my actions. I worry that I'm in danger of using a condition that I might (or might not) have as a crutch or prop or excuse to avoid doing anything and taking control of (and responsibility for) my life, so I think I have to take action and fairly quickly. Why is my life so blooming tricky?

Back at last.

No, I've not been in the jail or hospital, but my lack of blogging has been health related. I've been off work since mid March after a bad breakdown and am still off work, though much better. Marvellous stuff prozac is when you take it properly, avoid booze and combine it with 2 sessions per week of Psychoanalysis. It didn't seem very bright to blog when in the depths: too much painful s**t going on and my editorial facility was not at all functional!

It was bad, I bought razor blades one day (and binned them the next). A number of things are clear to me: I hate living alone and in small Scottish towns. I have totally lost myself over the years and my sense of identity. And I might well be suffering from an undiagnosed autistic condidtion. Which all means being a Rector is not a good thing for me to be. I need more structure in my life which is imposed rather than self generated. So there is a lot of searching a decison making going on just now and running a parish will not be part of my life for very much longer. There's also been some good stuff: living in community, rediscovering that I am likable. Actually finding life without a lot of my props is possible (I've just stopped smoking - day 2 and I haven't killed anyone yet!!). So mind me in your prayers as I look for a job and a life.

Bad tech day!

Technology malfunction day in Falkirk today. Virgin phone barred due to the flat phone being used more than the credit limit is set for!!!! Office e-mail being stupid - bring back the carrier pigeons!